Rebecca Walker is a writer, speaker, and activist. She has written many bestselling books on subjects ranging from intersectional feminism to multiracial identity, and has developed film and television projects with Warner Brothers, NBCUniversal, Amazon, HBO, and Paramount. She speaks regularly at institutions across the USA and internationally. She is also the daughter of Alice Walker, the author of the Pulitzer Prize-winning novel The Color Purple.
In her latest picture book, Time for Us, she explores the precious time mothers spend together with their children.
What tips or advice can you give to help ease the weight parents and moms can feel sometimes when it comes to making the most of the early years they have with their children?
Mom-guilt is fundamentally negative. It’s got nothing good for you or your child other than a big, unhelpful dose of feeling inadequate. BANISH IT. LET IT GO. FORGET MOMMY GUILT LIKE A BAD DREAM.
The truth is, you don’t have to bake cakes or arrange dance classes or draw for hours to be a good mom. You can do just about anything, as long as you’re together. I asked my son yesterday to tell me a few of his favourite memories from childhood and he said riding in the car to the orthodontist! Crazy, I know. But really, as long as you’re not a screaming hot mess, your presence is enough.
It seems obvious, but taking care of yourself by setting good boundaries with your child makes a happier you and, even if it doesn’t seem like it in the moment, a happier and more self-reliant future adult human. Encouraging self-play prompts kids to look inward, and discover what their own minds have to teach them.
Guiding our kids to discover their unique interests and passions, talents and gifts is a huge part of parenting. It’s a lot easier for them to find their own path when they know you support the journey.
How did you tackle guilt-free parenting with your child?
My son was just six weeks old when I boarded a plane for Stockholm to speak about a new book, and it was full on from there. At home, I spent hours and hours at my desk, and two or three times a month I was on the road for days speaking, teaching or promoting a new project. I felt pangs of guilt — usually when loading my suitcase into the car for the airport — but reminded myself I was leaving him in good hands, and showing him what it looks like to be a citizen of the world, a dream I held for him (and an identity he has taken on!).
I also realized that what I called guilt was just plain old missing, and it went both ways. This opened up more language to talk about what was actually happening when I couldn’t be with him, and started a powerful conversation about the power and potential of both presence and absence, that continues to this day.
How can we get our kids interested in the outdoors, and introduce them to gardening and the importance of a sustainable environment?
We lived on Maui when my son was small, so we swam in the ocean, walked barefoot through the grass, raised chickens, and lived in the shadow of a huge volcano — we were always outside so I didn’t have to work too hard to get him interested.
I did talk to him constantly about the beauty that surrounded us, and that surrounds us all in country or city. I taught him the names of flowers and trees, and always pointed out birds and blossoms, warm breezes and rain clouds.
I also made sure he had sensory, tactile experiences with the earth. I planted a hay bale garden (a fiasco!), and gave him a little hoe to do his part. I made sure the chickens ate out of his hand. We drew pictures with squished ink from berries we found in our backyard.
Sometimes we forget to wake kids up to what’s all around them. You don’t have to go hiking or plant a huge garden, just notice the changing colours of the sky, or wonder about the different shapes and smells of fruit at the grocery store. Just talk about water: where does it come from? Imagine rivers, streams, reservoirs.
I heard somewhere that a lot of kids think milk comes from cartons. We can do better. It’s all about helping them pay attention to what matters. Ask your kids: how do you feel when you drink water? How do you feel when you smell a flower? Isn’t the sky amazing?
Like Jackson in Time for Us, kids like to know stuff. Why not teach them what’s most important? The sky is free. Teach them that it belongs to them, and it’s theirs to protect.
How do we encourage mindfulness in ourselves and our children with activities described from your book (i.e. taking time to watch the clouds together)?
Take a walk. Go outside and talk about all the natural things you see. Even a tiny weed coming from a crack in the sidewalk. You may feel silly, but make a big deal out of it. Isn’t that little plant incredible? It’s like you, growing up in the middle of the city! How does it do that? How do YOU do that?
Plant something, anything. And if you can’t do that, plan to plant something. Let’s grow something! What should we grow? Do you think our house has enough sun? Where could we put it? How often would we water it? Just dreaming about planting is a powerful way to foster a relationship with the natural world.
Relax your body. Lay towels or mats on the floor and relax every part of your bodies, one by one. Tighten your toes, and let them go. Squinch up your face and let it go. Squeeze your arm muscles and let them go. On and on and until every part is let go. Take a deep breath and float. Then go take a bath and go to bed!
Tell us about your experience navigating parenting as a woman of colour?
Being a mom of colour has been a privilege and a joy. I love connecting my son to the brilliance and dynamism of African American culture and community, and this book is a celebration of the legacy of our profound relationship with beauty, nature, and soulful togetherness. Teaching my son to value himself for who he is — and not what others project onto him — is a practice for all parents who want to support healthy self-esteem and independent thought in their children.
What support do you feel LGBTQ+ parents need and what resources are often lacking?
So many parents in America lack the resources they need to raise healthy parents: clean air and water, meaningful time with family, an excellent education, and enthusiastic acceptance whether they be neurotypical or divergent; straight, queer or other; working, middle or upper class; disabled or not. For all parents and children to thrive, respect for our diversity must be reflected in the offices and policies of our government, the halls and curriculums of our schools, and the shelves and programming of our libraries.